Making Life My Art April 29, 2016

“To make living itself an art, that is the goal” Henry Miller

I am a creator; an idea person. Yet, so many great ideas have become a lady in waiting, until they give up on me and move on to the next soul, ready to make manifest of them. It often baffles me to remember that everything starts with a thought and turns into form. Everything from a canvas, to the world around us, to who we become.

Creating makes me feel alive. That, and swimming in the sea and giggling with my children. I used to spend hours in creative bliss; writing and painting through twilight until the sun began to rise. Now, I create in stolen moments, scribbling down parts of myself in chicken scratch while cooking the rice and vegetables for dinner. Stolen moments are the most potent. Creation is not always convenient. And when there is inspiration and energy left in the reserves, I sit in the glow of my computer screen at night, after the kids are snuggled into their beds, pounding away at the keys on my computer; hoping and praying that what is rising up from within me isn’t total garbage. And it rarely is! Because it is raw and gritty and real.

My art is life. How I choose to show up; will it be with intended strokes, or with a spew of feeling splattered on everything around me? It is both. I will leave beautiful color of love wherever I go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Building on bones February 16, 2016

I’m fleshing it out. Beyond the bones. Toward expansive, limitless creation.

Desire

Intention

Vulnerability

Presence

 

28 Days February 11, 2016

“Food is such an intimate experience, even more so than sex. Everything we put in our mouth touches our insides, affects how we grow, affects how we age, affects how we behave. It defines who we are.” -Monica Bhide

It has been over three years since I first read this quote by Monica Bhide. The first time I read it, a light bulb illuminated in my mind and I thought “hell yeah it is” and “fuck yeah it does”. Now, this idea makes it’s way back to my consciousness as day 10 of a 28 day intensely intimate journey letting food be my guide for healing, comes to a close.  When I tell people I am only eating fruits, vegetables (mostly raw) and sprouts and drinking herbal tea and fresh pressed juices for 28 days, I can see the sheer terror in their eyes. And those who really know me say, “wait, you’re not drinking any alcohol for 28 whole days….that’s crazy”. Yup…I have gone coo coo bananas over here! Honestly, when I began this cleanse, I was terrified. I was afraid that I would fail, of what would come up in the space I was about to create. What the hell was to become of my social life?!

The fear of not being able to do it is curious to me because I have spent large chunks of time in my life studying the benefits of raw food, living the raw/vegan lifestyle, teaching it to others and even what feels like lifetimes ago, owned the first raw food cafe juice bar in my little New England town. Yet, over the last 5 years, I have jumped on the paleo band wagon…feeling ok, but not great. I had forgotten, as many of us do, all the knowledge I have tucked away. It is time to listen to the innate wisdom inside of me and it has called me to sit in the pause. To be with myself. No distractions of what to eat or drink, where, and with whom. No distraction of running to the local coffee shop between clients to get a caffeine fix to carry me through the day until I can get home and have a glass of wine to wind down. Not trusting myself is exactly what has led me right here, on the brink of doing what many people around me call drastic, even dangerous. When did consuming raw fruits and veggies become dangerous people?!

My motivation for doing this has many layers. The first being, I needed to check myself and my relationship with alcohol. For me, alcohol became a crutch at a very pivotal point in my life; the end of my marriage, followed by the beginning and devastating end of another significant relationship. Alcohol became my trusted companion. I had convinced myself almost daily that I needed it and I deserved it. It was an escape, a way to hide from feelings of despair, failure, loss, fear, love. Brene Brown says “we can’t selectively numb out. When we numb the dark, we numb the joy”. So, over the past 2+ years, I have had many come to Jesus moments surrounding alcohol and my relationship with it and the truth is, I am tired of not being fully present in my life. I want to feel it all! The good, the bad, the ugly, the achingly beautiful, the devastating blows.

The other layers of motivation are rooted in a longing for physical, spiritual and mental equilibrium; maybe even excellence. Physically I have been placing more demands on my body, training for a half marathon and ramping up weight training in an effort to feel stronger in my body and challenge myself. I began to feel that my diet wasn’t measuring up in supporting what I was asking of my body. My belly was frequently bloated and uncomfortable. I noticed ridges in my fingernails, a sign that I am not absorbing vital nutrients. I’ve developed hormonal acne. No one wants to deal with pimples, especially when you’re in your thirties. Additionally, I have been experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression, floaters in my vision, a white coating on my tongue in the morning, brain fog and extreme fatigue. All of this, a clear sign that something has to change. Spiritually, I have been on a path of intense self discovery; often a gritty and raw process. In an effort to go even deeper into my spiritual practice, to get closer to source (God if you will), and my authentic self, it has become increasingly clear that I must commit to clarity and extreme self care. Which for me meant no more numbing out and extreme mindfulness in regards to how I nourish myself overall.

After 11 days of sobriety and 10 days of feeding my body intense nutrition, coupled with 10+ hours of sleep every night of the first seven days, I am on a bit of a high. I have to be honest, the first week was painful. I was hungry! And tired! Not a good combo really, but I was oh so gentle with myself. I felt very tender and vulnerable in those first few days. Changing patterns and facing attachments to food and alcohol drudges up a lot. Everything that I had been avoiding or didn’t want to face began to bubble up to the surface. I sat with it, meditated, took epsom salt baths and slept as much as I could. Then I moved into a few days of increased energy and a total aversion to food in general. On those days I did what I could to get calories in, any way I could, which basically meant throwing everything into a blender and drinking it. Gratitude shout out to my Vitamix for carrying me through! I also experienced intense lower and mid back pain for a few days. I noticed pain in my tailbone, the site of an old snowboarding injury. After some research, I came to find out that when the body isn’t required to utilize so much energy on digestion, it is able to repair itself. Many people have claimed to experience pain in old injury sites while on a cleanse. A sign that the body is healing itself. Rad! That knowledge made the discomfort more bearable.

Moving toward day 11 I am finding myself more committed with each passing day. My energy has skyrocketed, my mind is clear, I am calm, my belly doesn’t hurt. I am keeping the food simple, eating when I am hungry and paying attention to what my body is calling for. If I want to eat watermelon for dinner….I do it!

 

Tearing down walls June 3, 2015

It’s 3:30 am and I have been up for almost an hour, sporadically writing in my journal, as clarity and inspiration tap me on the shoulder like, “hey you”. I have heard that 3 am is the witching hour; a time when the veil between our world and the spirit world is thin, so we at times can more easily tap in to the Divine. I feel something intense flowing through me right now. Something that has been waiting for me to stumble upon it, but it took a commitment to clarity. It took me saying “no, not tonight” to that glass of wine. It took a willingness to drop into raw emotion today. To be vulnerable with myself and my clients, to be the girl that cried through yoga class because I just had to set whatever it was that was aching inside of me free. Sweat and tears at the same time are the ultimate dynamic duo of letting go.

There is a strong sense that it is time to shift the paradigm of the box I put myself in. I feel as if I am literally standing in a cube, discerningly looking at the four walls around me, standing boldly with a sledge hammer flung over my shoulder and bandana around my head to collect the blood, sweat, tears and debris that are inveitabley going to come with the task at hand. I am ready to take these walls down no matter what the consequence!

The funny thing about these walls is, I built them. I have a strong sense to undo my own doing. I want to bust open the plaster and let the light pour in through the cracks, because doing what is comfortable has become just too painful. You can’t bloom and stay a bud at the same time. Actually Anais Nin said it way better, “and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”. I can not grow into all that I want to be and do and see, if these walls remain. So, as I sit here in my soft cuddly white bathrobe on my couch with dandelion root tea, listening to the birds sing their first morning song, internally I am feeling like a warrior. I am ready to keep coming up against myself and the walls that I have built. I am ready to tear them down, to face the fears that put them there in the first place, knowing that once they are gone I will be naked and vulnerable, but I will be free and more powerful for having made the journey through myself.

Inspired nighttime thoughts May 13, 2015

As I am laying in bed, reading through Chasers of the Light by Tyler Knott Gregson for the umpteenth time, I was struck by a few words in his introduction, “the miracle in the mundane”. Which led me to: I want to BE the miracle in the mundane. To live it! To dig deeper.

As I strive to take my yoga off the mat and find presence in each moment, the idea of miracle in the mundane brings a sense of weightlessness and excitement. It evokes joy and power and hope. It invites us to look closer at the leaves as they curl just before a rainstorm, or to settle into the birdsong that wakes us at dawn from a deep sleep. We are alive, with a beating heart that given the chance, can take us to the top of Everest. A beating heart that, over time and space, can overcome the deepest loss only to flutter and ache again for new beginnings; the miracle in the pain of the mundane.

I am finding my way back to me – again and again and again

Gratitude brought me to my knees October 30, 2014

There are moments in life that stand out. Often we move through each day, without any moments truly impacting us, but those that do, help shape us into who we are. I am realizing that most often than not, what we remember in days, weeks, years, is love. I’m not talking solely romantic love, although that surely impacts us beyond measure. But just love in general. It is what people sing about, write about, and turn their worlds upside down, inside out and right side in about.

What brought me to laugh, then to tears and then to my knees tonight was a dear friend’s text to me. This is what she said, “you have no idea how powerful you really are. I dreamt it. You’re observing me coming into my power and you want it too. And as much as I want to give up sometimes, I can’t. Because you are watching. And you are going to be big.” Holy shit balls! That literally stopped me in my tracks, kale in hand at the cutting board. (Yes, I do stop to read texts while cooking….multitasking Mama.) I laughed out loud and then immediately started to cry. A lot. Because I know it’s true and she gave it to me from such a real, loving place.  All of it is real. My observing this powerful woman who was sent to me through yoga, self expansion, truth and in a time when I needed to expand the sisterhood. My knowingness about my untapped power that I am reaching for like a leaf stretching toward the sunlight. But in the same breath of reaching, I am learning to surrender to the opening. To not reaching. To being in the present moment. To sitting in the grit and the discomfort that growth brings. Lately this has meant a lot of crying in public, humbling to say the least. Letting my emotions go. Moving through them. Not running or searching for the next thing to fill the void!

Right now I am just trying to love myself. In a way that I never have before. To sit with what is, being ok with being in the divine storm. For the first time since I can remember, I am alone. Meaning without a partner, spouse, male counterpart in crime. Moving into this space has been startling and terrifying. I crave partnership. I want a teammate. I am a hopeless romantic! But the beauty in being alone, without trying to fill the void, is that I am realizing, I can depend on ME. Self love is true expansion.

Although I believe we all have the capacity to continuously give love, even when we feel we have nothing left in the reserves; self love enables us to reach a higher level of giving and receiving. Which brings to mind the saying “you can’t truly love another until you love yourself”. Yes and no. We all have the capacity to love all the time. But without self love we build a wall around all of the hurt. We close ourselves off to feeling, giving and experiencing connection with other human beings as a self protective mechanism. The synonyms to protection are: barrier, buffer, shield, armor. Can we really let love in if we are self protecting? If we choose to love ourselves deeply and fully, we can also practice non attachment. Meaning, if and when we find ourselves alone….we are still ok! Of course we process the hurt of the loss, sit with it, feel it for as long as we need to, but we also are able to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps knowing that we can keep going. Because we have all that we need within ourselves. And what we need to learn outside of ourselves, is reflected back to us by those around us, if we just let the love in-stay open-and be present.

What is truly resonating with me right now is from Danielle Laporte’s book The Desire Map. In it she writes:

“Decide to rise.

Lean in. Listen up. Closely.

It’s your soul speaking, and she says,

Get UP!

I need you.

I want you.

I am you.

Choose me.

Lean in.

Listen Closely.

Decide to rise.”

With each moment I am doing my best to decide to rise. To rise through the hurt, the loss of a marriage, the BIG job of raising two spirited little girls who help me rise very day, the beginning again, the being vulnerable and the being blissfully alone. And I do so with immense gratitude for so many amazing, powerful, awe inspiring women by my side who truly LOVE me and encourage me to shine in those moments when all I can see and feel are clouds.